After midnight
my mind is a hive of thoughts
buzzing
with recipes for tomorrow
roasted chickpeas / tomato soup / pad thai / mediterannean chicken
with planting and gardening plans
potting soil vs top soil vs compost
how to propagate cilantro
how to grow green onions in water
(do these plants need sun, like me, or will too much kill them?)
with workout possibilities

After midnight the only way to shut it off
is to pick up the phone and scroll
until my eyes are desperate to close
and  my fingers lose their grip

My theory is this:
my mind is suffering from lack of physical stimulation
from seeing the same square kilometre over and over
too smart to be tricked by the phone screen
and the computer screen
and the tv screen
(none of these are real – I can’t reach in and be there)

So instead
I plot and plan and imagine through my sleeping hours
using that little time that was meant for rest

In the morning
I’m exhausted before I even leave the bed
before I even open my eyes.
In the morning
the list of chores is so much more basic than my midnight plans:
coffee, log in, print school assignments, compose emails, load the dishwasher,
teach the arabic, the math, the science, the english, the french,
mediate the fight
send them out to the back for “recess” (yes you have to wear your jacket no it’s not warm enough for just a sweater)
call them back in
hug and wipe away the tears
start the laundry
heat the dinner
send the files
answer the question answer the question answer the question 

And then it’s night again and my eyes are wide open and my brain
Iis both over and under stimulated and my body cannot settle
and I’m back to an imagined recipe and a workout and a garden that doesn’t exist outside of my head.